Evolving

It's a dark, rainy Sunday morning and I should feel lazy and take advantage of it but somehow, I feel that I should be doing something. I have to put away my clothes from doing laundry yesterday, get a jumpstart on preparing dinner (I've been in a strong Betty Crocker mode lately) and do my hair. Maybe it's all attributed to the 'evolution' that I've felt lately. Friday, I had dinner with TD to begin the celebration of our upcoming birthdays (Happy Birthday, Sis!) and I'd mentioned that I felt that I had evolved into a better person over the past ten years of my life. I went from being celibate to being in a long-term relationship (which recently ended), I've endured two job layoffs (which led me to the IT field, my dream career), I attended and graduated from college (another dream fulfilled) while raising my son as a single mother and I've learned so much about who I am as an African-American woman in a difficult society.

Ten years ago, I didn't go out much since I really didn't have the time, money or real desire to meet and mingle with people who I didn't know well. I was content with spending my time with my studies and my family. Now, I welcome the opportunity to network with people, talk with them and get their opinions about life. Society is a complex and strange animal and I'd like to learn as much as I can about her.

In four days, I take that leap from the thirties into the forties and to be honest, I'm totally ready. Last year when I turned 39, I was hesitant to even contemplate what turning 40 would be like for me. But, really? I can't wait! I don't look 40, I don't feel 40 and I'm not even sure how a 40 year-old should behave but do know one thing. I'm ready for it! And I'm bringing sexy back, y'all!!!

Transition

So, today was the day that I went from being securely blanketed in a relationship that wasn't nurturing in the ways that I wanted to having all of my emotions put on display so that I can take the necessary steps to find out what I'm doing wrong and correct it. I should feel relieved, thrilled, excited about my single status, right? Wrong. I am the most miserable I've felt in a while and although I know the decision I made (to end our relationship) was right for both of us, what I'm feeling right now sucks. Eleven years with the same person is a long time, married or not and some say that I was fortunate to be with him for that amount of time, given the fact that most marriages don't last as long. All that's true but it doesn't lessen the hurt that I'm feeling now. I know that in the long run, I'll pick myself up and move ahead with life but for now, it doesn't seem as though I'll ever get over the fact that the man that I loved, lived with, fought with, played with and had hoped to marry is no longer in my life on a daily basis.

More later......

Good Times

Last weekend, Terry and I took a drive to Bushkill, PA to see my friend Vanessa and her family in their new home. I hadn't driven in about four years so I was a little nervous but once I picked up the car and slid into the driver's seat, it was good times again. I was psyched when I realized that I hadn't forgotten any of the 'rules' of the road. It's just like some people say-once you learn, you never forget. How right they were. It helped that the ride that I rented was love at first sight. The Ford Escape is a comfortable SUV that gets very good highway mileage. I could tell that the rental company took good care of it cause it smelled nice and clean when I got into it.

Anyway, during the roadtrip I learned that two things will always be with me; I have and probably always will have roadrage (can't help it, folks)and I like to drive f-a-s-t. That's right. Speed demon was on the road! Once we got on 280W, I had to focus really hard not to drive 80 mph. Yeah, I was cognizant of the speedlimits but damnit, I wanted to keep up with the hundreds of other cars that were going way faster than I was!

Although we got somewhat lost, we made it to 'Nessa's place and was met by her middle son(Kyle) who I hadn't seen in a minute. All of the boys has grown at least three inches taller since I'd last seen them but they all remebered Terry and "RahRah" (that's the nickname they gave me when they were little because they couldn't pronounce 'Robin'. TD, don't even think about calling me that :)).

Their house is absolutely beautiful. The rooms are nice and spacious, the deck is awesome and the garage is HUGE. I am quite proud of their accomplishment because Vanessa, Brian (her husband) and I moved into the same apartment building two weeks apart back in 1993. So, to see them transition from the small, cramped two-bedroom apartment to this point was a good feeling. All of their closest friends, family members and co-workers showed their support of this venture and you could feel lots of love flowing throughout. We ate, drank, reminisced and enjoyed each others company well into the night. Some folks left early to beat the setting son but we chilled until the next morning before returning to Jersey. Since I'm considered 'family', I have carte blance to visit anytime I want. Best to believe that I'll be making periodic trips to their neck of the woods.

The Beginning of the End

So, in a littlle over five weeks from now I will be a single woman again. What has been contemplation, resignation and indecision for the better half of seven months has finally come to a resolution. On Saturday morning, my boyfriend informed me that he'd booked a flight to the West Coast and that he would be leaving in Mid-September. I wasn't shocked by this information as I knew this day would come. However, it didn't make it any easier to hear. Then, he looked deep into my eyes and told me that he loved me and was going to miss me very much. I was okay at that point so we proceeded to go over the details of when his flight was, how he was going to ship his things, etc. For the first time in months, we had a really cordial conversation void of any yelling, screaming or accusations. He took me out to various places Saturday and yesterday and I have to admit that we had a good time and enjoyed each other's company. Of course, there was sex involved but it was more bittersweet than anything. However, this morning the magnitude of the weekend's events hit me head on and I've been trying to keep it together. I know that GOD forewarned me that this day would arrive, I guess I just wasn't as prepared as I first thought.

Relaxation

I arrived back into the New York City area late last night from California and during the entire trip home, I smiled because I was finally in a relaxed state of mind. You see, my last relaxing date was back in March when I accompanied TD to Fort Lauderdale to visit her Godmother. Let's see, that was a good four months ago. And my spirit has been in the dumps ever since with one stressful situation after the next. See, stress doesn't wear well on me so I need that time to re-energize from time to time. This trip was the perfect prescription to get me back to where I need to be to conquer my short-term goals in the upcoming months. Man, the bed that I slept on was a 'Heavenly' bed and it lived up to it's name. Events were planned for the two days that I was there but I made sure to steal some time to take a nap. Boy, that was the best thing I could've done. I felt very at peace when I awakened and it was as though nothing could take it away. I went on a tour of the city which was very cool and took some pics (which I'll try to post) to hone my photography skills. Since I encounter tourists everyday near my job, it was refreshing to be on the other side and be a tourist myself. All in all I had a great time witnessing my friend's journey as she begins her life with her new husband while also taking the opportunity to get in some much needed rest and relaxation. Now, I feel that I can tackle life's obstacles and head closer to my goals.

Wedded Bliss

I finally have a moment to blog about my trip to California. I visited the state for the first time for a very joyous occasion. My friend Kim, married her soulmate this past Saturday. I hadn't seen her since she moved to Cali 2 1/2 years ago so we tried to make up for lost time. She looked well and had this everpresent glow about her that showed me that she was truly in love and in a peaceful place in her life. She really deserves the blessings that she has and although she has three sisters, I felt as proud as all of them.

I met her new husband, Steven who is a really nice guy. He smiled each time he saw their family and friends and was real laid back about all of the festivities. You could tell that he was as excited as Kim to be taking the big leap into married life.

They chose an Asian theme for their wedding which surprised me a little (seeing as thought they met in the Bahamas) but they pulled it together well. Kim's wedding gown was made from imported material straight from Thailand and the Guyanese seamtress that she had to make it did a wonderful job. Although the dress was a simple design, the intricate details really made it stand out. The guys wore traditional Asian tuxes and everyone down to the flowergirl was beautiful. Most of the people who attended the services were made up of their family and close friends and you could tell there was a lot of love in the room. The only sad moment of the ceremony were the two empty seats that were set in honor of Kim's dad who passed away last year and Steven's mom who passed in 2003. But, you could tell that their spirits were definitely present.

It seems as though I'm losing friends either to marriage or relocating their family for a better life and it's something that I'll have to come to terms with but you know what? They are taking these steps to make their lives better and that's what counts to me. Hopefully one day I can also find that happiness that brings joy to people's hearts.

Unsettling Dreams

Last night, I had a series of unsettling dreams. In the first one, I was going head-to-head with my faceless boss about everything and nothing. He would speak to me and I'd be ready to rip his head off, and I would ask him a question and he'd reply by saying things like "don't you know what the hell you're doing yet?". That dream was followed by me walking down a dark street in the middle of nowhere by myself trying to find my way home. But, each time I thought that I was turning down the correct street, I would be back at my starting point. In the final segment of this nightmare, my son and I were back at our first apartment in Brooklyn. We had been evicted from our New Jersey place so we decided to take up residence at our old one until we could figure out where we were headed. My unofficial ex-boyfriend was nowhere in the picture so that gave me some solace. I guess that I must have awakened from my sleep at least three times last night because I'm tired as hell right now.

My upcoming trip this weekend is very much needed as my nerves are very frazzled and I feel the burnout emanating throughout my being. I need time to seriously re-energize cause I feel that I'm on the verge of a serious breakdown.

A Test that I wasn't Prepared to Pass....

When I was back in College and even High School, It was rare that I was unprepared for an exam. I prided myself on being the 'model' student, the one of few who didn't sweat when a professor would say, "tomorrow you will have a test on such and such." My study habits were such that I never worried about passing, only how well I would do. Well, for the past few days I've been failing miserably at the tests that mean the most...The ones given to me by GOD. And, I feel bad for not only failing myself but failing HIM.


See, He knows exactly how much we as humans can take and will never give us more than we can handle. My problem is, I lost sight of that until tonight. I've been to the gym sporadically the last two weeks and although I haven't gained any weight back (probably because my appetite has waned), my body is starting to let me know what I've been missing. My overall mood has stunk and I've lost my zest for life. I also did something stupid and not only alarmed the person who has become a best friend to me but caused her to be angry with me at a time when she is already carrying around a full plate of life's challenges and could very well have told me to go to hell because she doesn't need to deal with my gripes. This is not me. There are a lot of people out there with bigger problems than I and I realize it.


So GOD, I'm telling you right here, right now that I'm sorry for not passing you tests and humbly ask for your forgiveness. I promise to pass them from this point on. I'm going back to the things that make me happy and I'm not talking material things. You see, I do love myself and I need to get back to where I can allow people to see that again. For those who can't or don't see that I am a person who will give you 1000% percent of me if deserving, I still pray that you receive the many blessings that HE bestows upon me daily.

Reality Hits.......

This past weekend, my soon-to-be ex boyfriend and I came to the stark realization that our relationship was over. I known it and felt it for sometime but to actually verbalize it was difficult to say the least. Yes, there were a lot of tears (from both of us), a lot of blame passed back and forth, a lot of "what-ifs" and of course, a lot of break-up sex but at the end of the day, we both know that our realtionship has hit a brick wall at maximum speed and that separating is the only alternative right now.

This will be the first relationship where I've made tough decisions with my head rather than my heart and you know what? It was the second toughest decision I've had to make in my entire life. That's not to say that decisions will become easier as I get older but man, this one has really put a strain on me mentally, emotionally and even physically. Even as I write this, my stomach is gripped in knots and I've been light-headed the last couple of days.

All I can do now is wait until the day when he is packed up and prepared to move three-thousand miles across the United States to finally help care for his children. Because, in my heart, I know that this is where he's headed.

I know deep-down inside that this is the right decision but damnit, it doesn't make it easier to digest.

Sunny Florida!

This weekend I had the most exhilarating, relaxing weekend since I went on my cruise last year. I went with my close homie, TD and another friend, D to Fort Lauderdale to meet and visit with TD's Nininne (godmother). Talk about a change of pace! We left the dirt, pollution and the crowds that encompass New York behind and went to have a little taste of paradise for a few hours. What a relaxing time it was!!! To be able to bask in serenity and forget about our daily lives for a few hours was a welcomed change and one that was needed by all of us. I had a super-great time and hope to revisit Florida soon!!

A Great Day....

Is what I'm having today! I feel good, am in great spirits and in love with life!!!! Hopefully, this feeling will last for awhile. Until then, I'm enjoying the ride :) !!!!!!

A Special Honor

That's exactly what I received. The year hasn't exactly started off on a good note for me (although I remain optimistic that this is just temporary). But tonight, I felt good for the first time in a while. TD and I headed for a bite to eat at DragonFly which is a nice place with a cozy atmosphere. We hadn't hung out since right before the holidays and even though we talk almost daily, it was good to actually sit face to face , share a meal and talk. We were conversating about everything that's taken place in our lives within the last couple of weeks when suddenly, TD asked me a question that totally took me by surprise- "Will you be an attendant in my wedding?"

I thought to myself, did I just hear her correctly? Sure enough, she wanted ME to be a part of HER wedding! To say that it was an honor to be asked is putting it very mildy. I just hope that I do her proud on the most important day of her life. Wow!

Weird? Who's Weird?

So, my friend TD has tagged me in this game where I am supposed to confess five weird things about myself. After giving this much thought (because I really don't consider myself weird. Different, maybe.), here is what I was able to come up with -

• I absolutely hate it when someone looks over my shoulder while I'm reading. I don't care whether it's an article, newspaper, book whatever. If your ass didn't help me purchase it, what the hell makes you feel that I need help reading it?
• I HAVE to sleep on the right-hand side of the bed (the left if you're facing it). It's been a quirk for as long as I can remember. No matter if I'm sleeping alone or with someone, if I'm not on that side of the bed, it ain't poppin.' I've tried the be versatile shit and wound up not sleeping for almost an entire night. Never again.
  
• Repeating myself is an all-time no no. Hate it. Always have, always will. If you're deaf, then you receive an instant pass. If I'm speaking and a loud-assed truck rolls by, then maybe. If not, then motherfucker open your ears.
  
• I guess this is because of my financial background but whenever I'm calculating something, I have to check it at least three times no matter what it is. Yeah, what?
• For most people that I know, when something is troubling them (work, relationships, money)they will try to comfort themselves by eating a little more and sleeping a little less. I am the exact opposite. When I'm stressed, I starve myself and sleep for days hoping that the answers to all of my troubles will somehow materialize in my dreams. *Sigh* I may lose a couple of pounds and be well-rested but the shit is still there.

There you have it! Hopefully, I've passed the initiation into weirdism.