A Test that I wasn't Prepared to Pass....

When I was back in College and even High School, It was rare that I was unprepared for an exam. I prided myself on being the 'model' student, the one of few who didn't sweat when a professor would say, "tomorrow you will have a test on such and such." My study habits were such that I never worried about passing, only how well I would do. Well, for the past few days I've been failing miserably at the tests that mean the most...The ones given to me by GOD. And, I feel bad for not only failing myself but failing HIM.


See, He knows exactly how much we as humans can take and will never give us more than we can handle. My problem is, I lost sight of that until tonight. I've been to the gym sporadically the last two weeks and although I haven't gained any weight back (probably because my appetite has waned), my body is starting to let me know what I've been missing. My overall mood has stunk and I've lost my zest for life. I also did something stupid and not only alarmed the person who has become a best friend to me but caused her to be angry with me at a time when she is already carrying around a full plate of life's challenges and could very well have told me to go to hell because she doesn't need to deal with my gripes. This is not me. There are a lot of people out there with bigger problems than I and I realize it.


So GOD, I'm telling you right here, right now that I'm sorry for not passing you tests and humbly ask for your forgiveness. I promise to pass them from this point on. I'm going back to the things that make me happy and I'm not talking material things. You see, I do love myself and I need to get back to where I can allow people to see that again. For those who can't or don't see that I am a person who will give you 1000% percent of me if deserving, I still pray that you receive the many blessings that HE bestows upon me daily.

Reality Hits.......

This past weekend, my soon-to-be ex boyfriend and I came to the stark realization that our relationship was over. I known it and felt it for sometime but to actually verbalize it was difficult to say the least. Yes, there were a lot of tears (from both of us), a lot of blame passed back and forth, a lot of "what-ifs" and of course, a lot of break-up sex but at the end of the day, we both know that our realtionship has hit a brick wall at maximum speed and that separating is the only alternative right now.

This will be the first relationship where I've made tough decisions with my head rather than my heart and you know what? It was the second toughest decision I've had to make in my entire life. That's not to say that decisions will become easier as I get older but man, this one has really put a strain on me mentally, emotionally and even physically. Even as I write this, my stomach is gripped in knots and I've been light-headed the last couple of days.

All I can do now is wait until the day when he is packed up and prepared to move three-thousand miles across the United States to finally help care for his children. Because, in my heart, I know that this is where he's headed.

I know deep-down inside that this is the right decision but damnit, it doesn't make it easier to digest.